Apparently I was
actually supposed to believe that the snakes got together,
synchronized their watches and planned to attack at the same
time. And it gets worse. The family FREAKS out and
begins running around trying to get out of the huge house, away from
the five or six snakes. Leah is crying, the kids are
screaming, Cooper is panicking, all over a few snakes that looked
like the garden variety, not rattlers or pythons.
The filmmakers had two-hours in which to give the audience some
action and suspense, and instead we get a few snakes. I
expected the family to be really terrorized by Dale - maybe a few
chase scenes, a few "where is Dale hiding ready to kill the
family" scenes, but there was nothing there. I waited almost
two hours for nothing.
As equally bad as the movie is the movie's music (the director
also composed the score, so I suppose it's only fitting).
The music is straight out of some 1970s espionage flick.
Toward the end of the movie Quaid gave up trying to act.
His delivery became bland and unbelievable and his face lacked any
emotional display. I can't blame him entirely though; his lines were so bad he was probably embarrassed to deliver them.
Stone looks stunning throughout the movie, but she's not believable
as the mothering type who would leave the big city for the
country. Her acting was affected and her outfits were too
overdone. In one scene she's sitting at the kitchen table
wearing a sweater that's falling perfectly off one shoulder.
I could just imagine the stylist setting up the shot and telling
her not to move while saying her lines. In another scene she
falls in a well and comes out of the water screaming. I expected
the scream to end with, "My hair!"
Together, Stone and Quaid had about as much chemistry as
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck in Gigli. That is to
say, none. Their interaction with their movie children
lacked warmth as well, making their family unit unbelievable.
The filmmakers got it right with Dorff's character, keeping him
mostly shirtless and all greased up, brilliantly displaying his
six-pack. I think he had a few lines, but I'm not sure...
And then we have Lewis. Can she play any other role than drunken,
weirdo, hussy? After playing that role a trillion times, what can
I say but, oops, she did it again.
The only bright spot in the movie is a barely recognizable
Christopher Plummer who has two too short scenes as Dale's
father. Before I realized it was Plummer, I was thinking how
he was blowing the rest of the cast out of the water with his
performance. Once I realized it was him, I was thinking that
he must not be getting any royalties from The Sound of Music.
I have a few notes filled with other gripes about this movie,
but I think I've made my point. But in case you missed it:
Don't see it. Don't rent it. You have been warned.
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