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Jokes for the Older Kids

What would Halloween be without laughter? Well, it wouldn't be Halloween that's for sure. Below you'll find some of the best (or worst depending on your point of view) Halloween jokes we've collected. If you know a joke that we don't have here contact The Scribe and we'll post it and give you credit.


A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


A lady is throwing a Halloween party, and to make it challenging, she tells everyone that they should come dressed as an emotion.

So she is getting everything ready, and the doorbell rings. It is her best friend from work, who is wearing a long green gown, green gloves up past her elbows, and green eye shadow. "What are you?" the hostess asks. "I'm green with envy!" her friend replies. "Great, come on in!"

The doorbell rings again, and it's her husband's boss. He is wearing a red tux, with red face paint, horns, and yellow contacts. "Let me guess," says the hostess, "you're red with rage!" "Right!" says the guest.

And so it goes.

Later, things are going great... the party's packed when the doorbell rings. The hostess opens the door, and there stands her crazy neighbor from a couple of doors down. He's standing there completely naked, with a hard-on, and a pear stuck on the end of his dick.

"Um, what are you supposed to be?" the hostess asks uncomfortably.

The neighbor replies, "I'm fuckin' dis-pair!!!"

(Sent in by Shawn from Wilmington)


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here! ?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"


If I do a trick can I see your treats?

(Sent in by Summer from Gilroy)


Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't
10. She's a goblin.
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.
7. Just get on your knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it will last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff.
And the number one Halloween thing that sounds dirty but isn't is...
1. He's got candy spread out on the floor.

Top Ten Reasons You Won't Win the Halloween Costume Contest
10. After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
9. "Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that?"
8. You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
7.  Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
6. Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
5. The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small round ass, not the other way around.
4. 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.
3. Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.
2. The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction Byproduct" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.
And the number one reason you won't win the Halloween costume contest is...
1. *Nobody* likes a farting clown.

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"


The guy had invited his girlfriend to attend a Halloween party with him, and he showed up at her door wearing only a pair of roller blades. "Uh, and just what on Earth are you supposed to be?" she asked. "What else?" he replied smiling. "I'm a pull toy!"


A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's O.K., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."


Top Twelve Scariest Halloween Costumes
12. Al Gore Disco Fever Costume
11. Positive Home Pregnancy Test
10. Jacko-Lantern
9. Marge Schott's Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist Sister
8. Evil British Nanny
7. Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit
6. Male Pattern Baldness
5. Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra
4. Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick
3. President Jesse Helms
2. Marv Albert, Warrior Princess
And the number one Scariest Halloween Costume is...
1. Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger

[ Top Twelve Scariest Halloween Costumes list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!"


Top Fifteen Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the number one Complaint of Modern Day Vampires is...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Top Fifteen Complaints of Modern Day Vampires list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.


Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"


Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. His wife got a terrible headache and told Al to go to the party alone. Al, being a devoted husband, protested, but his wife argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Al took his costume and away he went.

His wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as Al did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching Al to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted Al cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, Al left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally Al whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation Al would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when Al came in and asked what kind of a time he had. Al said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

Al replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Larry Flint, Janet Reno and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... I loaned my costume to Bill and he told me he had a great time!"


On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."

The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "

The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.


What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month!


TOP 11 Reasons Pumpkins are better than men
11 A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be
10 You know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
9 If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
8 If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face
7 They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
6 One usually makes a better pie
5 No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile
4 Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from
3 You don't feel sleazy picking up a pumpkin
2 It's ok to use a pumpkin for one night and toss it away
 

And the number one reason Pumpkins are better than men is ....

1 When he goes soft you can just toss him out and get another one!

Why couldn't the witch have babies?
Because her husband has crystal balls


What do hillbillies do for Halloween
Pump-kin


TOP 10 Signs you are too old to be Trick-o-Treating
10 You get winded from knocking on the door
9 You have to have another kid chew the candy for you
8 You ask for high fiber candy only
7 When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over
6 People say, "Great Keith Richard mask!" and you're not wearing a mask
5 When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest
4 By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders
3 You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece
2 You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker
  And the number one sign you are too old to go Trick-o-Treating is ....
1 You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live!

Why don't witches wear panties?
They get a better grip on their brooms


A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

 
   

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