Jokes for All Ages

What would Halloween be without laughter? Well, it wouldn't be Halloween that's for sure. Below you'll find some of the best (or worst depending on your point of view) Halloween jokes we've collected. If you know of a joke that we don't have here contact The Scribe and we'll post it and give you credit.

Page 1 - Page 2 - Page 3

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

The little tongue tied tot dressed in a somewhat oversized pirate costume was going house to house on Halloween eve. He knocked on the door of an elderly lady's home, and gazing up at her as she switched on the porch light, he announced, "Twick or tweet".

Looking down at the tiny child she exclaimed, "Oh my, how cute, a fearsome pirate at my door, but..... where are your buccaneer's"?

"Where their posed to be lady, under my buccan hat".

8 Reasons a pumpkin is better than a Man

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. A pumpkin usually makes a better pie.
4. Pumpkins are always on the doorstep waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way the pumpkin looks, just carve up another face.
6. If the pumpkin starts smelling up your place, you can just throw it out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The 13 Days of Halloween

On the first day of Halloween My postman brought to me, A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Eleven coffins creaking, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Twelve skeletons a-dancing, Eleven coffins creaking, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,

Before this could happen......

......I Moved!

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Top Ten Houses to Avoid when Trick-o-Treating

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

20 Ways to Confuse Trick-o-Treaters