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Jokes for All Ages

What would Halloween be without laughter? Well, it wouldn't be Halloween that's for sure. Below you'll find some of the best (or worst depending on your point of view) Halloween jokes we've collected. If you know of a joke that we don't have here contact The Scribe and we'll post it and give you credit.

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Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."


The little tongue tied tot dressed in a somewhat oversized pirate costume was going house to house on Halloween eve. He knocked on the door of an elderly lady's home, and gazing up at her as she switched on the porch light, he announced, "Twick or tweet".

Looking down at the tiny child she exclaimed, "Oh my, how cute, a fearsome pirate at my door, but..... where are your buccaneer's"?

"Where their posed to be lady, under my buccan hat".


8 Reasons a pumpkin is better than a Man

  1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
  2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
  3. A pumpkin usually makes a better pie.
  4. Pumpkins are always on the doorstep waiting for you!
  5. If you don't like the way the pumpkin looks, just carve up another face.
  6. If the pumpkin starts smelling up your place, you can just throw it out.
  7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.
  8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The 13 Days of Halloween

On the first day of Halloween My postman brought to me, A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Eleven coffins creaking, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween, My postman brought to me, Twelve skeletons a-dancing, Eleven coffins creaking, Ten skulls a-smoking, Nine reapers reaping, Eight freaky franks, Seven scary pumpkins, Six hooting owls, Five witches riding brooms, Four spooky ghosts, Three black cats, Two walking mummies, And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,

Before this could happen......

......I Moved!


Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"


Top Ten Houses to Avoid when Trick-o-Treating

10.

Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground

9.

Any house made of food

8.

Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas

7.

Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement

6.

Any house where high-tension power lines seem to stop

5.

Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"

4.

Any house where the furniture seems to be walking around the living room

3.

Any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating orb floating 3 feet above the ground than a house

2.

Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses

And the number one House to Avoid is...

1.

Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"


Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."


20 Ways to Confuse Trick-o-Treaters

1.

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2.

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8.

When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9.

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10.

Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14.

Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18.

Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20.

Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

 
   

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