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The Monster List
of Short Halloween Jokes

What would Halloween be without laughter? Well, it wouldn't be Halloween that's for sure. Below you'll find some of the best (or worst depending on your point of view) Halloween jokes we've collected. If you know of a joke that we don't have here contact The Scribe and we'll post it and give you credit.

 

How do you make a pumpkin stand?
Take away it's chair!

What type of beans do werewolves like best?
Human beans.

Why did the vampire's lunch giver her heartburn?
It was a stake sanwich.

How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
With witchful thinking.

What do you call serious rocks?
Grave stones.

What is a vampire's favorit mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.

What did the mama ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A Sand-witch.

What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A toasty ghosty.

Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A casketeria.

What sailors like to be chilled to the bone?
A skeleton crew.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist.

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he's always a goblin.

What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?
A witch with her eyes closed.

What tops off a ghost's sundae?
Whipped scream.

How can you tell when a window is scared?
They get shudders.

Why is a werewolf like a computer?
They both have megabytes.

Why are ghosts bad at lying?
You can see right through them.

What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.

Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up.

What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
Tired Blood.

What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?
A cereal killer.

How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours

Where do ghosts play?
On a golf corpse.

Is it hard to clean a haunted house?
No, dirt and grime just vanish.

Why are ghost parties so dull?
Because no one can be the life of the party.

What's the favorite lawn game of ghosts?
Bat-minton

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o'-lantern by it's diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!

What do skeleton pitchers throw?
Knuckleballs

What happens if you see twin witches?
You won't be able to tell which witch is witch!

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime

What is a Ghosts favorite dessert!
BOOberry Pie

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice ghoul.

What is Transylvania?
Dracula's terror-tory

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in!

Where do skeletons go on vacation?
Boney Island

Where do skeletons have their businesses?
In giant skullscrapers

What do you say to a 2 headed monster?
Hello, hello

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who's There?
Gargoyle
Gargoyle Who?
If you Gargoyle with salt water, your throat will feel better!

What is a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries

Where did the skeleton plug in his toaster?
In his eye socket

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops

What kind of ship does Dracula own?
A Blood vessel.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A ghost in reverse

Why do witches think they are funny?
Every time they look in the mirror it cracks up.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash

Why are skeletons so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin

What is red, sweet, and bites people?
A jampire!

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed

What do skeletons have nightmares of?
Dogs

What's a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trom-bone!

How do skeletons call their friends?
They use a telebone!

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones!

What do you get when you cross a drip-dry shirt with a monster?
A wash and wear wolf

Do monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
NO, they eat the fingers separately

Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A Sand-witch!

What is a goblins favorite dessert?
I-Scream!!

What happened to the boat that sank in a river full of piranha?
It came back with a skeleton crew!

Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to the space shuttle?
She got spaced out.

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door!

What type of flowers do monsters like?
Moaning Glories and Merrighouls

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare Spray

What type of dog does Dracula own?
A blood hound

Why does Dracula have no friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.

What was the Haight Ashbury vampire like?
He was ghoul man, really ghoul!

Why do ghosts and demons get along so well?
Because demons are a ghosts best friend.

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Batminton

What happened to the mad vampire?
He went a little batty!

What happens a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom

How does a skeleton get in his house?
With a skeleton key

What sort of group do vampires join?
A blood group

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!

Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
Lake EERIE

Where do ghosts go on vacation?
The Eerie canal

What do you call an old and foolish vampire?
A silly ol' sucker

What is a mummy's favorite music?
Wrap Music!

In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
The living room

What kind of candy won't a ghost ever touch?
Lifesavers

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party?
No one moved, they couldn't stir without her!

What do little vampires get in their sack lunches?
Blood oranges

How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite sized pieces!

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers

What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

What kind of car do ghosts drive?
Booicks

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk

Why doesn't anyone like Count Dracula?
He's a pain in the neck.

Was Dracula ever married?
No, he was a bat-chelor!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with Al Capone?
A fangster

Why did the vampire take up acting?
It was in his blood!

What's a monster's favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet

What train car do ghosts like to ride in?
The Ca-boo-se!

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead, I'll hang around for awhile.

What do you call a motor bike belonging to a witch?
A baaarrrroooooooooooooooom stick!

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting!

Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
The whatwolves and whenwolves

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office.

What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!

What is a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-and-go-shriek!

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid or a gift wrapped bat

What did the mommy vampire say to the baby vampire?
"You're driving me batty!"

Where do monsters always buy their cookies from?
The Ghoul Scouts.

What do you get when you bite a ghost?
A mouth full of sheet

What kind of bats know how to spell?
Alphabats

What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster.

What does a skeleton sandwich taste like?
Crunchy

Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
Because they are afraid they will fly off the handle.

Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with.

What do vampires and false teeth have in common?
They both come out at night!

What is a vampires least favorite meal?
STAKE!!

What is a vampires favorite food?
NECTARINES!

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo

What do you call a stupid skeleton?
A numbskull

What is a skeleton's favorite insult?
Bonehead

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No Body.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

What's a cold, evil candle called?
The wicked wick of the North!

What's soft, moldy, and flies?
A spoiled bat

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer

What is a vampires favorite flavor of ice cream?
VEINilla!

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to choo-choo.

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a jack-o-lantern.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

What kind of coffee do vampires drink?
Decoffinated!

What do little trees say on Halloween?
TWIG or TREET!

What games do little ghosts play?
Corpse and Robbers, Hide and Shriek, and Peek-a-BOO.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

What hotel do werewolves stay at?
The Howliday Inn.

What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Ghost-Toasties

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

Where do monsters shop?
At the Grossery store

Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie.

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly covered janitor.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked down in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

What do ghosts put on their cereal?
Booberries.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be bat boy!

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape!

What kind of monster is washing machine safe?
A wash and wear wolf.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "boo!"

What TV show do ghosts love to watch?
Squeal of Fortune!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound!

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares"

What two famous places did Dracula visit while on vacation?
The Vampire State Building and Count Rushmore!

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W"

What's the 1st thing ghosts do when they get in a car?
They boo-kle their seatbelts.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts!

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
FROSTBITE!

Why do skeletons love home cooking?
Because it sticks to their ribs!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula

What did the skeleton say when he served dinner?
BONE APPETITE!!

What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A BOO-logna sandwich.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf!
Never mind dear, now go comb your face.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one

What is a devil's picket line called?
A demonstration

What is a demons' favorite TV show?
Fiends

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!

Why do demons and ghouls get along so well?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend

What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office

What's a ghosts favorite fruit?
Booberries

What is the best way to get rid of a demon?
Exorcise a lot

Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"

What do demons have for breakfast?
Devilled eggs

Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank.

Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea.

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!

What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!

What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!

What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to.

What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay

What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones

When they arrested Dracula where did they put him?
In a red blood cell

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo Who?
Ah, don't cry, Halloween is just around the corner!

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A Hoblin Goblin.

How does the witch know what time it is?
She looks at her witch-watch.

Where can YOU see a really ugly monster?
In the mirror

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines

What do you call Count Dracula's cookout?
Vampire campfire.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist

What do you call it when a cat falls off a broomstick?
A catastrophe!

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"

Why do black cats never shave?
Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas!

Why are black cats such good singers?
They're very mewsical

How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!

Why are cemeteries in the middle of towns?
Because it's dead center

How do undertakers speak?
Gravely

What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?
"I told you I was ill!"

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster

What do you give a skeleton for Valentines?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright

What is as sharp as a vampire's fang?
His other fang

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing

What kind of make-up do ghosts wear?
Mas-SCARE-a

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon Bone-apart

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
Because he didn't have a haunting license

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

What kind of toothpaste do vampires buy?
Ultra-bite

What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work, it was all in vein.

What spook lives in the "Hundred Acre Wood"?
Winnie the Boo

Who did the boy monster take to the Halloween dance?
His bootiful ghoul-friend

Why didn't the wraith win at poker?
He didn't stand a ghost of a chance

What performers do vampires enjoy the most at the circus?
The jugulars

What do spooks call their Navy?
The ghost guard

Why do Casper's phone bills tend to be so high?
He is always calling ghost-to-ghost

Who was the smartest monster?
Dr. Frank Einstein

What was on the menu at the ghost luncheon?
Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies, and a salad with boocheese dressing

What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape

What kind of witch do they have in Saudi Arabia?
Sandwitches

What do you call a dinosaur's ghost?
Boozilla

Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?
Because it's supernatural

When in the city where does the country ghost stay?
At the Howliday Inn

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome

Who won the "Miss Ghostly" beauty contest?
No Body

 
   

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